Wednesday, August 2, 2017

If I Wrote the Opening Flight Greetings

Attention all passengers! Welcome aboard Delta Flight 6465 with service from Spokane to Atlanta.

You are about to embark on an epic excursion that will defy the laws of time and space. You will defy gravity, you will move ahead three hours in time, and you will travel at speeds not known to past mankind.

In the event of an emergency, your seat cushions can be used for flotation and you may pull oxygen masks from the ceiling. Save yourself before trying to save others, because it won't help your neighbor to cling to a dead body. Also, fasten your seat belt while in flight- just in case something crazy happens. Breaking the law is dangerous business, and it's no different with the law is gravity.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, I will point out some features of the plane. As you can see, this craft is designed specially for people who are under 5’7 and 110lbs. If you exceed this size, we will not turn you away, but we also will not apologize. You have to realize, it would cost us too much money to make the plane large enough to suit all sizes and body types. For those of you who are within the target size range, your tray table may be used as a footrest. Additionally, your chair will facilitate a wide array of bodily positions, included but not limited to criss-cross-applesauce, feet perched on the edge like a bird, and if you are lucky enough to not have a seat mate, half-laying down sideways, and potentially even various yoga style poses. Enjoy!

As for those of you who are above our target size range, we hope that the constrained space will give you a sense of warmth and security. Please, resist the urge to stretch. You will only bring harm yourself.

Again, this is Delta Flight 6465. We hope you have safe travels!

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